Sometimes my heart hurts...

No pictures today... just a little therapy for me I guess. So back in January I got a phone call from my doctor, Dr. B. You know the one who called me August 21, 2008 to tell me about Ellie's birthmother. He told me he had another woman looking to place her baby. Keep in mind Dr. B has only been involved in 2 adoptions up until this point. One when he first started practicing and Ellie's 25ish years later. This isn't something he does. Anyways, we took in a profile for the birthmother to look at and we waited. A few weeks later we found out she had narrowed it down to us and one other family. More waiting, and the first part of April I got another phone call from Dr. B telling me that he didn't think this birthmother was still considering us. She had been given more families to consider and it looked like we were out. We never heard anything after that... the baby girl was due in May.

I had a hard time, but truthfully, I knew the day Dr. B called me in January that she wasn't our baby. I wanted it so bad that I let myself get excited and hopeful... but deep down I knew how it would end.

Now what I have to say I feel like I need to explain... whenever I hear someone is pregnant I NEVER think "oh I wish they weren't pregnant." That isn't how infertility works... I cry and feel bad not because I'm wishing away someone else's happiness, I just wish it could be us too. Since this baby girl went home with her family, whoever they are... it seems that everyone is pregnant, some pregnant and adopting at the same time! I'm so happy for all of our family and friends that are expecting, no matter how their children are coming to them. I guess it's just been a constant reminder of everything I have no control over. It just makes my heart hurt. We're putting our papers in again, it's just a matter of timing. For months I've been saying I was ready to start the process again, but a few weeks ago Jeremy told me he was ready to start. I had never asked him in the months before, I just assumed he was because I was. Real good wife... I know!! Anyways now that we're both on the same page we can move forward. Please keep us in your thoughts... this is a brutal process, and a reminder of all the insecurities you have about yourself.

After all of that I love being Ellie's mom. She says everyday, several times a day, "I wuv you mom, I choose you." (The "I choose you" part comes from the end of the movie Aladdin. She heard it once and tells me all the time. I LOVE it.) I love that munchkin more than I can say. She makes me want to be better and I adore her. She talks to me all time and most of the time she says something to crack me up. She's my little sidekick, I'm so lucky she "chose" me.

Next post will have pictures and hopefully an adoption update!