Sometimes my heart hurts...

No pictures today... just a little therapy for me I guess. So back in January I got a phone call from my doctor, Dr. B. You know the one who called me August 21, 2008 to tell me about Ellie's birthmother. He told me he had another woman looking to place her baby. Keep in mind Dr. B has only been involved in 2 adoptions up until this point. One when he first started practicing and Ellie's 25ish years later. This isn't something he does. Anyways, we took in a profile for the birthmother to look at and we waited. A few weeks later we found out she had narrowed it down to us and one other family. More waiting, and the first part of April I got another phone call from Dr. B telling me that he didn't think this birthmother was still considering us. She had been given more families to consider and it looked like we were out. We never heard anything after that... the baby girl was due in May.

I had a hard time, but truthfully, I knew the day Dr. B called me in January that she wasn't our baby. I wanted it so bad that I let myself get excited and hopeful... but deep down I knew how it would end.

Now what I have to say I feel like I need to explain... whenever I hear someone is pregnant I NEVER think "oh I wish they weren't pregnant." That isn't how infertility works... I cry and feel bad not because I'm wishing away someone else's happiness, I just wish it could be us too. Since this baby girl went home with her family, whoever they are... it seems that everyone is pregnant, some pregnant and adopting at the same time! I'm so happy for all of our family and friends that are expecting, no matter how their children are coming to them. I guess it's just been a constant reminder of everything I have no control over. It just makes my heart hurt. We're putting our papers in again, it's just a matter of timing. For months I've been saying I was ready to start the process again, but a few weeks ago Jeremy told me he was ready to start. I had never asked him in the months before, I just assumed he was because I was. Real good wife... I know!! Anyways now that we're both on the same page we can move forward. Please keep us in your thoughts... this is a brutal process, and a reminder of all the insecurities you have about yourself.

After all of that I love being Ellie's mom. She says everyday, several times a day, "I wuv you mom, I choose you." (The "I choose you" part comes from the end of the movie Aladdin. She heard it once and tells me all the time. I LOVE it.) I love that munchkin more than I can say. She makes me want to be better and I adore her. She talks to me all time and most of the time she says something to crack me up. She's my little sidekick, I'm so lucky she "chose" me.

Next post will have pictures and hopefully an adoption update!

2 going on 20!

Only 2 years old... but she LOVES mom's make-up!!

Add this is what happens when she's alone long enough for me to go to the bathroom....

Some Pictures

Christmas at Grandma's


All of Ellie's cousins on my side of the family

Ellie and Santa Clause... hmmm, he looks familiar

Building our gingerbread house

Us at Thanksgiving

Halloween

Feeding ducks at the park over the summer

At grandma and grandpa Hill's house

It's been soooo long...

Hello friends! Well, as promised here is an update on our family! Now that we have a computer and the internet again I'm back to blogging! I have to admit though, I didn't miss the internet as much as I thought I would, I missed being able to keep in touch with people, but not the distraction the internet was getting to be in my life. Enough of that... on with the update! A week after our computer crashed we finalized Ellie's adoption and on April 18, 2009 we were sealed to her in the Salt Lake Temple (pictures on that to come). It was amazing, we were surrounded by our family and friends, and Ellie's birthmother and her family. What a wonderful day it was! Hard to believe it was almost 2 years ago!

Ellie has grown up so fast, she is talking like crazy and into everything. She's shoved tissue, cereal, scrambled eggs, and a hair elastic up her nose! She's spilled nail polish, foundation, lotion, toothpaste, juice and others all over my poor carpet! But... she is very sweet and loving, polite, and girly. She loves to have bows in her hair,wear 'lip' and have her nails painted! Oh how I love her!!! She turned 2 in September and we are beginning potty training, any tips would be appreciated!

Another chapter in our family is about to begin. We've decided the time has come to put our papers in for another baby. We've been feeling like it's time, although I must admit the emotional rollercoaster ride scares me. I feel like there's another baby close, like I did before Ellie was born, so I know it's time, it's just a draining process for me. But it will all be worth it to find our baby. So, there will be more on that as we begin the paperwork!

Merry Christmas!!!

Hello again! I realize it's been forever since I posted, we have been living without the internet since April of 2009, but today Jeremy gave me a new computer and the internet!! YAY!!! So I will be updating this week! Hope everyone has had a very Merry Christmas!!!!

What do you think?

So, I think this letter to Deseret Book explains itself.  I cannot believe some people, and if I don't stand up for adoption who will?

To Whom it May Concern,

I have hesitated to write this letter, for a few reasons, I believe the person at fault is a manager of the store, so I am not expecting anything to be done, but I would appreciate sharing this information with any of the employees, so further comments will not be made.  And secondly my sweet husband went into the store to make a complaint already this morning, but at the urging of my family I write this.

I was present at the Ladies Night on Saturday April 5th.  I have been coming with my mom and sisters for several years to participate and have always enjoyed myself, it has become a tradition for my family.  But on Saturday night, there was an extremely hurtful comment made, and I know I am not the only one who was deeply offended.  

Towards the end of the night, the store employee, who I believe is a manager got up and instead of drawing a name for a book on Motherhood, decided to find the woman who had the most children.  I agree, give a book to a mother who has self-lessly given of herself to raise her family!  This did not bother me.  It was how this employee decided to define a mother.  She asked for the woman who had delivered the most children, stating, “not adopted, not foster, not your husbands kids, YOUR OWN KIDS that came from your own body.”  

Let me explain why I was so offended, you see six months ago after 5 ½ years of trying to conceive my husband and I were blessed by the miracle of adoption.  We finalize her adoption on the 13th and will have her sealed to us on April 18th in the Salt Lake Temple.  I was so hurt because of the “YOUR OWN KIDS” statement.  I believe whole heartedly that my daughter is “my own.”  She was meant to be in our family, and I know I was meant to be her mother.   I do not believe this employee was trying to be offensive, or hurtful, but  I do believe this person knows nothing about adoption and should be enlightened.  I know I was not the only person offended that night, one of the first winners of the drawing that night was a woman in my ward who was placed with her daughter 3 weeks after I was placed with mine.  They also finalize this month.  Not to mention my mom and sisters who were stunned as the words came out.  

Let me end by quoting from a book that is carried by Deseret Book.  A few years ago I was desperately looking for a book on infertility from the church (they are few and far between).  I found a book in your store by Krista Ralston Oaks titled Fertile in Our Faith.  In it she compares a adoption to a family reunion.  She says, “Some came to the reunion by car. Some came by airplane.  Some came by train.  What mattered was who, not how they came.  The plan by which our child came to our family was the right plan…” (pg. 46)  After reading those words, I decided to let go of the hopes I had to become pregnant and to embrace the miracle of adoption.  Being pregnant does not make you a mother.  Praying so fervently for a child, waking up for a midnight feeding, bathing and teaching her to clap when she’s happy and fold her arms when she prays, that is what makes a mother.  

I hope this gives a little insight to adoption, and that these children belong to their parents, despite the fact that they did not come from their mother’s bodies. Thank you.

Sincerely,

Jenny Hill 

Time for an update and BIG news!!!!

Jeremy's 30th birthday was on March 17th!!!  He was a little stressed about being 30, so I threw him a little surprise birthday party!  We had soooo much fun, thanks to all who came, he had no idea!!!  (I can't find the rest of the pictures, so this will have to do!)

We took my sister-in-law to the MTC yesterday!  What a wonderful experience.  I'm sure going to miss Kristi... I mean Sister Hurd, but I know she is going to be an incredible missionary!  The people in Houston, TX are going to be blessed to know her!

Finally, our most exciting update!!!!  We have completed all of our paperwork, and had our last home visit, and we are set to finalize Ellie's adoption on April 13th!  And more importantly, Ellie will be sealed to us on April 18th in the Salt Lake Temple!!  I can't believe it's already here, Ellie has been such a sweet miracle!  She rolls all over the place now, and she is starting to give kisses! She grabs my face with her little hands and comes at me with an open mouth!  Ohhhh, I looooove it!  She is the sweetest baby.  How blessed we are to have her!  

We had our last home visit last night and our case worker asked me how I was bonding with Ellie and to describe our relationship.  As an adoptive mother it's hard to describe your feelings to people who haven't adopted.  Before we had Ellie I wondered if I would love a baby that was not "biologically" ours as much as I would a baby that was born into our family.  It's a very real concern for adoptive couples, but like I told our case worker, Ellie belongs to us, she was meant to be in our family.  I don't question that she is my daughter and I know that she is loved every bit as much as any child that may or may not come to us "biologically."  She is such a lucky girl to have not only our family that love her, but a whole birth family that love her also!  She is definitely a loved little girl!